Controlled Collapse of Private Zoo?
Update on worrisome conditions at The Zoo.
The City,
London,
Sirs,
Re: Update on Conditions at The Zoo
Disquieting rumors have been emerging from the past few twice-annual get-togethers of Shareholders and Enlightened Personal Friends. Reports tell of open suggestions that the situation of the Private Zoo has become unmanageable. Thus it is now evident that the long-anticipated control of its population is being put into action with immediate effect.
The problem seems to have been due to previous policy. The traditional Economic Regime, gladly received from the past, updated and put into effect in managing the zoo, resulted in massive and most welcome benefits in takings. The innovative cage system - with Light rather than bars to contain the animal populations - was gratefully accepted by both visitors and inmates, in permitting immediate proximity without undesirable contact. However, the strategic mixing of species within the cages and enclosures also generated an excess of breeding, with the production of novel types of unpredictible characters and appetites. Despite all attempts at limitation by doctoring the animals' diet for chemical castration of all sexes together with subtle counselling of those animals more susceptible to such subliminal reason, the population has continued to expand until it imperils the very Economic Program exercised at the zoo, and thus the zoo's very razon d'etre.
Therefore, dietry expansion was initially promoted, giving the animals expectation of greater input of both suitable treated diet and any consequent entertaining fantasies they care to exercise by means of it. This diet has now been progressively curtailed and in many cases totally withdrawn.
The strategy seems to be working well, with the scheduled stages of total abstention and dismantling of the feed system still to take effect.
Shareholders and Enlightened Friends seem well pleased with the results, having now incidentally received a share of the withheld food supplies, and there are reports of junketing, highjinks and parties around the globe, while the animals tend to look dumbly at each other and wonder where their next meal is coming from.
Informants note some of the keepers fidgeting nervously, as they doubt that all the animals are so dumb as not to notice what has been done to them and to realize that all that contains them is the mirage of Light and Zoo Rules. The present Deputy Head Keeper in particular - recently promoted for his invention and implemention of the policy of passing the feed-grains directly from the sachs through microwave chambers, thus deriving massively inflated grains without increase in nutritive value - has a rather obvious glazed stare, as he plainly fears the touch of some chimp or gorilla's paw on his shoulder. Others have taken to surrounding themselves with leashed semi-tamed hyenas on their rounds as company to protect them. These they favor with titbits, but as the species is voracious, treacherous and unstable, their loyalty is uncertain and their turnover therefore predictably rapid.
It is hoped and expected that the general progressive cull will take effect before mere reproductive pressure forces any of the animals beyond the Light barriers, when their escape from their zoo confines would become inevitable. The presence of hordes of such animals among our civilized population would inevitably be compared in effect with the previous policy of integrating alien species into formerly stable populations in the cages, the wisdom of which strategy would then perhaps be legitimately questioned. However, to mention such reservations to the Powers-that-be is deemed unwelcome, unseemly and therefore unwise.
Despite assurances from Zoo Head-Office, some of The Enlightened are known to be establishing stocks of both delicacies and hardware, both for themselves and for any future necessity of engaging and controlling further teams of protective canine assistants.
However, the Rothschild owners of the zoo, are reported to be "unworried", and assure us that "all is going according to plan".
We can only trust that it is.
Yours etc.